You'll Be Better (You'll Be Smarter)

I was really bad for a while, this Spring. Not for any good reason. Just apathetic and disgusted and sad and confused. So I started writing skewered words and thinking patchwork thoughts and I couldn't write anything worth reading, so I slapped "hiatus" on this blog and ran away into a secret where I could be broken in relatively silent solitude. And then I became doubly disgusted at myself for being so frayed, and I started doing what I always do when under duress.

I made some lists.



I started making lists during February of last year. It started with a list of things to buy on a roadtrip. Then a list of apartments to look into. Then a list of things that needed to happen before my mother, sister and I could go to the apartment. Then a list of all the things we were going to do in the apartment. And then I just started making lists every day, trying to work through what I had to do to make it to tomorrow. So I'd started to buy notebooks that I'd keep in my purse and I fill them with lists and ideas and teary ink blots.

I haven't stopped making the lists.

So I wrote down things that were inevitably going to happen and what I should be doing to prepare for those things and how I should be doing schoolwork every day and walking the dogs and doing laundry every Sunday and attempting, however minutely, to function as an actual person instead of this apathetic recluse that I'd become.

So I thought about how I'm going to Japan in 84(?!?!?!?) days and how I'm going to go look at a non-virtual high school this Thursday and how I need to start doing more and being better and

the list is a little overwhelming, not gonna lie.

But I want to try, even though it isn't going so well. I know it'll be hard - I mean, completely rewriting your daily norm will never be easy - but I think it'll be for the best.

So, y'know.


Here goes.