All those Glittering Dust Motes

I have the terrible tendency of daydreaming.



It's evolved into a habit bordering on addiction over the years- I think it started with the highly-involved plots of the make-believe games I would play with my sister. We had fake names, careers and very important social events we'd have to attend. And even when those stories fizzled out and we started playing our own, separate games, I'd still daydream.

It has snowballed into a completely commonplace occurrence now, and to be honest, it's getting annoying. I have trouble falling asleep, because I've such elaborate stories running through my head. Unfortunately, it's not the low-effort, soft-wool-and-tired-eyes kind of dream, the one that casually slides into drowsiness. It's the type where I actually cannot sleep; I'm too busy coming up with the dialogue and the next act and the next scene and what I'm wearing and where I am. What's the imaginary location? What's the lighting like?

It's like directing little movies, and I do it all the time.

The constant stream of fantasies annoy me, in a way. It's a clear weakness of mine, and those little dreams are always so petty, so materialistic and hopeful and agonizingly "Mary-Sue". They're hypocritical too, but we've long since established that I'm (debatably) the most hypocritical teenager to ever live. I just wish that my weak willpower was enough to overcome this now-instinctual habit of mine.

All the claims I wish I could believe in sound so hollow, when even I don't believe them, not really.

And God, that aggravates me. That idiotic, obnoxious, naive little girl whose still stubbornly hanging out in the corner of my mind, refusing reality and all the truths I shove at her. She's still wearing a pink cowboy hat and holding a plush dog, and her sister has just run to go get the feather boa.
Why can't she just go away? The jury already has conclusive evidence. I've already faced reality and know the truth. So why doesn't she shut up?

I know it's unfair- I know it's petty and silly to act as if that little girl isn't actually me. But I'm a petty and silly person anyways. I think it's because I've already "seen the truth", already come to grips with all that evidence that she's still there. I'm still dreaming because reality is so bleak, and seeing as to how I've been doing it for a good long portion of my life, attempting to silence that little girl completely will probably get me absolutely no where.

Which is why I want to try and at least tame it. Just- just cut down a bit, turn the tap a little lower. I'm day dreaming unconsciously these days, it's gotten so bad. And even though my previous attempts to schedule and maintain bad habits of mine have failed spectacularly, I can't afford this habit. My mind is a garden that's long since fallen to disrepair, bushes growing wild and weeds everywhere you look- the least I can do is at least try to tame this particular plant.

If you'll be so kind as to excuse my ostentatious garden analogy, of course.