Bubble Over

So.

I, ah. 

I won

???

30 Covers, 30 Days is an event the Office of Letters & Light (OLL) puts on every year, spanning the course of National Novel Writing month. 

Basically, 30 novels-in-progress are selected from the official NaNoWriMo forums. And every day for a month, a different graphic designer creates a cover for the book in under 24 hours.

Back in October, someone emailed me and said I was in the running for a cover. I didn't tell any of my friends, because I didn't want to get my hopes up. And as weeks went by without any further contact, I figured I hadn't made the cut. 

But apparently, I did. 

Which is, um. 

Wow.

Because this is a thing. Like, a Big Thing. It's not a contest- it's not as if the 30 selected plots are the best-of-the-best. But I've always admired the event, and viewed the selected novels with a sort of reverent awe. They always seemed fascinating and well-planned and just plain good. And- and I won. 

Someone made my book a cover. 

The book which, by the way, I haven't been writing. At all. Because life seemed too overwhelming and I got lazy and bored with the plot.

But it was deemed good enough to have a cover made for it. And now people (who don't know me and are not socially obligated to treat me nicely) are saying it sounds interesting. People are saying they want to read it. One person even commented "Can’t wait until it comes out so I can buy it.".

Someone wants to buy it. 

And I'm torn between this weird, exhilarated joy and spine-crippling self-consciousness because oh my god why did they even chose it maybe it was just random no one knows how they select the books what if I was just a name plucked from a hat what if whatifwhatif?

And then I get this weird, self-disappointed sort of aggravation because oh my god, can't I just stop being a self-conscious teenager for once in my life and enjoy my accomplishment?

I told all this to my mom, and then tried to explain my concerns to her. It's just- it's just really unbelievable? And I know it's nothing major, I just had a book cover made by some random dude (Tom Belonax, to be exact- and a majormajor MAJOR thank you to him) who signed up to help a non-profit organization for some free publicity and stuff. I know I didn't win any awards but it's still a Big Deal to me and I feel like there should be a catch here, somewhere, and that the second I relax and accept all this, the rug will be pulled from beneath my feet and I'll go flying.

Oh god, I hope this whole constant second-guessing yourself thing goes away when you grow up.

But I'll try to ignore it for now and focus on the whole I-won-a-professional-book-cover bit and maybe do some more flailing/squealing/jumping. Or eat some more chocolate. Or both.

(Yeah, definitely both.)