The Elegance of Cattle

It's hard, I've learned, to pose a legitimate threat when you're just barely over 5 feet tall.

Well, thats not necessarily true for everyone. Mostly for me, and a group of people who enjoy sleeping in and talk shows. I've always held a sort of reverent admiration to the idea of being not only to defend one's self, but also to significantly impair your would-be attacker. The idea of being well learned in a number of weapons, and, even when thoroughly disarmed, still being able to fight back with physical force; It's a pretty skewered ideal for a young teenage girl, but I admire it nonetheless.

For me, it's the instinctual need to be able to protect myself, clashing with the even stronger, modern-day need to do nothing except my idly, dull daily activities.

My fatal flaw will probably be my lack of determination. I want to be able to defend myself, to be strong and fast and, should the situation arise, lethal, even. But I lack the determination and possibly confidence to actually go through the steps mandatory for such skills to be available.

My gluttonous lack of drive is also apparent in my current situation; the internet censoring bills and their repercussions. Almost anyone online these days is fully aware of SOPA, PIPA, ACTA and their newest friend, OPEN. The online community is in uproar over the possible censoring that, should these bills pass, will become reality. But all of the petition signing and protests are futile. Eventually, something along the lines of those bills will pass, and the smart users will know what to do. They'll be the hackers, the protestors, the voice speaking for many and I wish I could be like that.

I wish I could be smart, tech smart, and not just the stupid "tech smart" that my family associates me with; knowing how to work the Mac computer. Any idiot can do that, I'm one of many and they just don't use it as often as I do so of course I seem smart to them when in reality I'm a blithering idiot and thats scary, I'm scared because I want to be able to help, to be able to protest and deny and do something for once in my pathetic life but I can't and I won't because my father works for the government and my sister babysits the children of the neighborhood and I go to the library every week and we have an average one-story home with a roof over our heads, food, running water, internet access and none of us are in imminent physical danger and my parents aren't divorced and nothing extremely bad is happening other then my sister and my father's rocky relationship.

I won't do anything because I am the average.

I am not special.

I have no skills.

I am essentially, beige personified.

I am the type of typical, suburban middle-class family that lives in neighborhoods that are flooded with playgrounds and 4th of July picnics.

I am cattle.

I know full well I'm kidding myself. I could try and do something helpful, try to learn things and protest the government and stick it to the Godforsaken man but I will not because I am cattle, pure and simple, and when the rebels will shout I will be a good little citizen and cower in my house with the blinds drawn and even if I were to try and join it'd tear my family apart and I could never do that.

I lack the confidence and determination to do that.

I guess in closing, all that should be known about me is that I'm a scared, cowardly, mind-bogglingly pathetic excuse of a human being with worthless dreams of rebellion.