Family Knots

Another year come and gone. As the almost obnoxiously-brightly colored balloons insist on reminding me, It's my birthday today. Things were decidedly more relaxed when it came to celebrating this year, as opposed to 2011. And I'm enjoying it.

However, in the long car rides that my mother, sister and I had to partake in earlier today, we breached the subject of my father.

Ahh, Dad. . .

I feel almost guilty, writing this on the couch when I can still hear the faint beeps of his PDA as he stands by the calendar.

Scratch that.

I feel mega guilty.

Which annoys me, because I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to feel as if I've committed some kind of horrible crime, although I'm sure it is by his standards.

During the rides with the rest of my family, we talked very seriously about my father.

And we talked about divorce.

I'll spare you the sob story of a "family falling apart", and just let you know that for me, the conversations boiled down to the following: No one in our family is happy with our current arrangement. And no one will be happy unless something changes.

It was beyond comforting to know that I wasn't the only one in my family who occasionally pondered the benefits of separation. And I can't help but feel it'd be better, the 3 of us, just on our own. And the entire day, I just kept thinking "I really wish he was already gone. I really wish we weren't going on this road trip in a few days."

But he's home now, and as his favorite, I see the "best" side of him, I suppose? And it makes me feel guilty, even now, even when I want him gone.

I mean, it's not like he's the worst father in the world. Not an alcoholic, doesn't physically abuse any of us (at least, not to my knowledge) doesn't cheat on my mother. Seriously, I've got it incomprehensibly good, in that respect.

But it just doesn't work. My parents are two clashing elements, and it can't continue as it is. Either he gets better, or we leave.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. Pondering the future of my parent's relationship whilst my father now sits, completely unaware, right in front of me, watching the news.

Being a teenager is hard.