I've been home schooled for the majority of my middle and elementary school life. An aspect that was very emphasized during the entire time was socializing: My mother knew full well about people's theories of what home schooling did to a kid's social skills. So I would meet up with other home schooled kids, take after-school classes, join clubs. There was always some ability for socialization, somewhere I could go meet and talk with kids my age.
Recently, however, I've noticed the almost absurd fear I get whenever I see kids from my local public high/middle school. I make a point of not making eye contact and walking straight past, for fear of them saying something. I blame this in part on one of the few "close encounters" I frequently had with a public schooled kid; this annoying brat who lived on the end of our street, and like taunting me every day. I was young, and it was stupid stuff, but I still panic a bit whenever I see him around the neighborhood, years later. He's conditioned me to be afraid of public-schooled strangers, in a sense.
Recently, however, I've noticed the almost absurd fear I get whenever I see kids from my local public high/middle school. I make a point of not making eye contact and walking straight past, for fear of them saying something. I blame this in part on one of the few "close encounters" I frequently had with a public schooled kid; this annoying brat who lived on the end of our street, and like taunting me every day. I was young, and it was stupid stuff, but I still panic a bit whenever I see him around the neighborhood, years later. He's conditioned me to be afraid of public-schooled strangers, in a sense.
I was having a long discussion with my mother a few weeks ago, about the many confusing aspects of a "teenager's" life, when I happened upon the topic of my socialization. I've recently quit my local teen club, and I was musing over the repercussions of my actions when I idly mentioned how awkward socializing with random teens can be for me. I had to reassure her that she'd done a fantastic job at giving me social outlets, but it lead me to wonder about the awkwardness I tend to vividly display when faced with the public school kids who hang around the community center after school.
The odd thing is, I noticed, that I don't really have the same issue when it comes to the kids who I barely even know at the other club I go to these days. Yeah, I panic when there's tons of people who I don't know: I try to sit on the far side of the room, or in the way back, or put my stuff on the seat next to me out of paranoia that a stranger will sit there. But I'm still more comfortable with those semi-strangers then I'd have imagined possible, considering the fear that strikes me when faced with any other teenager off the street.
Why is that, I wonder?
I think that my problem isn't specifically a phobia, nor a result of home schooling. I think it's an infamous "teenager thing". I've recently joined a new site and met tons of people who share my general interests, and despite the fact of how vibrant and wonderful their personalities are, they also share hesitancy at the idea of a social situation; of talking with kids at school, or going to parties. And I realize that at my age, there are kids who are going out and getting drunk, who are having sex and doing drugs (I won't touch on that topic for now), and that according to the societal, public school "norm", I am a wrinkle in the stereotype.
All of my best friends I know singularly via online communication.
That's a fact, we can establish that, on to the point:
I think the reason why, exactly, is because when you're talking to someone in a chat room, you never see their face. You can never judge them for their appearance, never immediately assume that someone so pretty would never have anything in common with you, or that that individual over there dressed all in black would find you annoying. Internet communication, in most of the instances I've witnessed, is mentally raw. There is no outer shell, just your thoughts and interests and your personality. And that's amazing, that's glorious, that's beautiful and exquisite and million other synonyms. That's so incredible that I fail to even comprehend it. It's taken for granted so, so much, but if you really think about it, you'll realize how truly amazing it is.
So I think that makes sense, why a majority, if not all of my friends are "virtual". They're better friends then any of my "physical" friends have ever been.
A "virtual" friend of mine recently told me that she had had a video chat with a friend from an online game, and that it'd been terrible, in comparison to their regular, wonderful, online conversations. That they'd been awkward and tried to be funny, but it'd just failed. And that made think, made me realize that virtual friendships should usually never become physical, or vice-versa.
Because there are 2 versions of a person in this instance: their physical persona (how they want the normal, status-quo-world to see them) and their online persona (their true mind, how they really express themselves, their actual personality). And I think it'd be entirely possible for one to be friends with someone's online persona, but not their physical one. Or perhaps vice versa once more. Does that make any sense? Or is it just me?
So while I love the idea of meeting my "virtual" friends, the people who have listened to me when I'm upset or angry or depressed, who I've spent entire days chatting with and laughing with and having fun with, I've resigned myself to keep everything strictly virtual. I don't want fake masks in a friendship (who would?) and I would hate to meet them one afternoon, only to go online the next week and find they've left, or that we're no longer friends.
So basically, I find nothing wrong with my internet socializing.
That's about it.
Goodnight.
c:
No comments:
Post a Comment