One of the biggest contributing factors to this all-encompassing migraine is A, my father's ever asshole-ish tendencies, B, the remnants of my apathetic funk that I still haven't entirely escaped, and C, my mother and sister.
I just- ugh. Just ugh. I am going to be a shitty teenaged stereotype and just summarize all this with "ugh". Sue me.
Just- I thought that things would be better, y'know? I mean, yes things have been a veritable cake-walk when it comes to psychological comfort these past 8 months, as opposed to the years and years predating it. Years filled with my father and anxiety and sleepless nights where I was petrified to leave my room because oh god I can hear him out there fixing himself gin & tonic at midnight and there's the creak of him reclining in his chair, there's the sound of EPSN being flicked on and jesus christ when will he just give up and go to bed.
Yeah, things have been better compared to that.
But there's trouble in paradise (isn't there always?) and my mother and sister have been snarling at each other and it's been boiling for months now- little tiffs and remarks and tables that are never cleared, dishes that are never cleaned, assignments that are never finished. And my sister sobbed and sobbed tonight, while I huddled up in my room (a situation entirely too reminiscent of years past, years with my dad) and when I ventured out of my room, I saw her sleeping alone on the couch, instead of the room my mother shares with her.
Everyone is just being so idiotic, so stupid that I wish I could shake some sense into them. My sister's self-confidence issues are enough to keep a therapist going for decades, and she's constantly "joking" about me being the "favorite daughter". "Jokingly" whining about my mother and I having private conversations. My father's screwed her up and I try, I try so fucking hard to prove her psyche otherwise. Try to include her with my mother and let them have "mommy-daughter" time and I try to tell her all the things she's good at, all the reasons she's lovely.
And when I fail, I send my mother in to hug her tears away because, as previously mentioned, my efforts at comforting anyone achieve jack-shit, and only manages to make me feel pathetic and utterly useless.
And I never understood the exasperated looks my mom would send my way when I whisper-asked her to go hug my sister. Never understood the rolled eyes and begrudging acceptance. It didn't make sense, to me. Not to say my mother doesn't dearly love my sister, but just- god, sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who understands things and, subsequently, the only person who can do nothing towards the situation.
It makes me feel powerless.
And that's something I've felt too many times.
So fuck this. Fuck them. They'll have to buck up, put on their big-girl pants, get over themselves and make amends. They'll have to solve their own damned problems, because you know what?
I am sick to my stomach of being the neutral party. Of being the mediator and the situation-fixer.
I'm too busy with my own life, right now. They can manage their own for once.
No comments:
Post a Comment