Life sucks.
Well, let me rephrase that: Life is im-perfect. Fact of life, actually. I often read books, but seldom do I read to "escape" from my own life. But that's been happening more often these past few days. And I finally see the appeal of "escaping", especially if it's a story worth escaping into. But escaping dosn't help at all, because when you finish reading "The End" page, then your just right back where you began; in your own, screwed up life. But more on that later.
My sister qualified for a National Championship race, and there's a race the morning of National's so you can qualify that morning. So we ended up driving all the way to this race site (which was quite far away from home, we had to get a hotel.) so I could race to qualify, and then my sister (and maybe me) would race Nationals. In the past posts I have neglected to mention the further family turmoil, my mother and father are fighting. And from my view, it's my mother and older sister against my father. I'd like to think that I'm currently neutral, but I know that if this continues, sooner or later I'll have to make a choice. And the thing is, I'm not sure if I'll be able to choose.
But anyway, last night was actually pretty good. Yesterday my mother had an event, and the entire family was recquired to come and help out. We expected him to be mad during the event, and happy when it was over. But no, he pulled a fast one on us and did the opposite. But then he appeared to be happy, albeit touchy, later. And then he seemed downright jolly later, at the hotel. But after my race, My mother went to go cheer on some people she knew, my sister went to take pictures and I ditched our folding chair/cooler set up to check out prelim results. (I didn't qualify, by the way) We thought Dad was cool with this, but when mom and I headed back he had everything packed up at his feet, and an extremely pissed-off look on his face.
He ended up arguing with my mom about being left behind, went to put the chairs back in the truck and told my mother as he left that he would meet up with her later. My mother called out, asking where she would find him. He replied, with steel in his tone, that he would find her people. And shockingly, despite all this drama unfolding right in front of me (My sister was god-knows-where), I was pretty calm. You see, all this open fighting is a relatively new thing for my parents, they've always been decent enough in the past to fight in private, or when they thought my sister and I were asleep. So it's not like I'm the rebellious daughter of a divorced couple, who tunes out her parents daily fighting by turning up her metal rock. As cool as I think it would be, to become that bad-ass kind of girl, its looking unlikely. No promises about my parents sticking together, but regarding my sister, becoming something like that is quite dubious.
But despite my being unacustomed to public disputes, I was pretty calm. Though my mother's reaction almost disgusted me somehow, she almost acted like nothing was wrong. I don't know, I didn't want her to cry but.... I just don't know. I think I have more of my fathers personality. I've been having moments all day when I can't help but imagine my father doing the same thing I was currently doing. But my mom just asked me to grab some things, and we moved over a bit. Then, (I can't remember this too well) she apologized. I knew why, but I asked "What for?" anyway. I told her that I didn't see any reason for her to apologize.
I could see both sides of the argument; My mother should not have left my father, or should have at least checked in on him, But my father was overreacting. This was, obviously, due to heightened stress levels from his injured knee, (he can no longer run without experiencing extreme pain, and that's really getting to him) his diet and his job, which is generally listening to people whining. So I couldn't really blame anybody or nobody. I just very calmly told mom my point of view about what was going on, and she gave a bit of her opinion as well. And then, apparently there was just too much adrenaline and hormones running wild at this event, because I ended up telling her, in a strangled voice, That I had always thought that her and my father's relationship was a great one, but that if this was what "True Love" was like, then I couldn't see a single reason to fall in love, before I promptly fell into sobs.
My mother gave the typical response, "Oh, love is about going through not just the good times, but the hard times too..." and blah, blah, blah. Even now, not surrounded by 600 teens with hormones and adrenaline running through their every vein, I still see no reason to love. What can I say? I'm a pretty pessimistic person inside. Not that you would ever guess if you knew me. I have quite the optimistic poker face. The Leader's club that my sister goes to is going to hold a dance in November and I plan on voting for a Masquerade theme. (Oh, the irony) And I've already picked my mask: a black a and white one, that's based on the classic Theater masks. One side is happy and white, the other sad and black. Accent approprietly with feathers and sequins.
But anyway, I ended up crying for about a minute, before I recovered and just fished out my Kindle to read. My sister reacted about as well as I expected her to when she heard the news; Not well at all. She ended up crying, and yelling "Why does he have to ruin everything for me? Today was supposed to be abut me!" before she just said that she had to go and ran off. I know that I'm a bad sister for saying this, but I was kind of more embarressed than concerned, people had been staring. But the thing was that this scene was, again, straight out of a Teen Hurt/Angst book. In fact, I'm considering writing one (although it would be considerably different from the perspective this blog is written in, you should know)
So now I just brood in my own solitude, and eat chocolate Special K cereal while re-reading Artemis Fowl books. (I'm so obsessed with the series, I think its unhealthy) Now, I'm just waiting for this nightmare to be over, whether they get a divorce or get better.
To be honest, I'm not sure I care anymore, as long as this is over.
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