Thursday, September 29, 2011

Percentages of Illusions

I talk to myself every day.

Sometimes, murmuring snide comments under my breath. My sister always asks what I said, and I act surprised and say "Nothing,". She says it drives her insane, and wants me to stop. I say it's a free country.

But 80% of my talk-to-myself is different then what my sister thinks of it as. It's when I'm alone, when I'm in my room, when I'm trying to fall asleep.

Technically, I don't talk to myself then.

I talk to the figments of my imagination.


Book, anime and movie characters. People I've met, people I've never met. My past and future selves, my sister, my parents. All of them. I have lengthy conversations, sometimes even role-plays. They're not hallucinations (I don't see them.) and I'm not insane (I know they're not real) but still. I was having an intriguing conversation with the cast of Maximum Ride when I started and looked around, realizing I was alone, and there were no mutant bird kids burning my house down with lemons.

I know it sounds pathetic. I know it sounds crazy. But it's what I do, and what I intend to continue doing until I die. One of the reasons I want to become a writer is so I can spend days, weeks maybe, immersed in worlds of my own creation, partaking in verbal sparring with characters of my own design.

5% of talking to my self is degrading. Negative, telling myself things like when I broke the Dress.

Another 5% is something I referred too in a previous post. It typically starts when I look in the mirror, and start thinking about my thought process and such. And then I'll say out loud to my mirror-self, "Why?" and I'll start circling through head-numbing thoughts until I just give up and go back to normal.

Then there's the 10% of murmurs, and the 80% of fiction.



I may not always accept it, but I am alone.

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