For the past week, I've woken up somewhere around 6 AM, had to pack up a hotel room, haul luggage down flights of stairs, elevators, sidewalks, help pack up the car and then drive until about 9 PM. And this past weekend, having returned home, I've also had to wake up at 6 AM, sleep on the floor of my parent's bedroom, eat at Panera for breakfast two mornings in a row, go apartment hunting, kill time outside of the house, skirt around my dad and begrudgingly listen in to my parent's teary conversations.
(My dad being the waterworks this time, interestingly enough)
Overall, it's been an exhausting week, but as I sit here, as I've done so often in the past, it feels off. Not that I wanted to, but I have, in fact, become accustomed to this insane schedule of waking up at some unGodly hour (for me, anyway) and being on the road for however long I can. So it's an interesting revelation for me, that I realize "normal" no longer works for me. I can't go back to how it used to be, before the road trip and the fighting and the condo, and although my parent's are talking very seriously about not only marriage counseling but full family therapy, I don't want us to all be a happy family. I'm sick of this. I don't want things to be fixed, I don't want it all better. I want to leave. I want us to go. If they take us to family therapy, I will activate my seldom-used bitch mode, and I know I'm just being a whiny little girl right now but to be honest I don't care, and I'm sick of apologizing to nonexistent people.
So, I'm not sorry.
I don't want Mom to give "them" a chance, I don't want to keep doing this, I am sick of this "family team" of ours because the sport has long since died off and why are we still even playing?
(I am the master of crappy analogies.
It is me.)
I'm just sick of it. This past week has been ridiculously draining, in basically every sense. Emotionally, physically, mentally. . . And I just want it to all end, and to be able to sleep without my sister turning on some terrible movie right by my bedroom with the volume on high.
Not my preferred way of waking up, that's for sure.
I'm sick of being the mature, understanding daughter whose "there for" her parents.
I'm sick of people saying "You're handling this really well!"
Because clearly, these people are idiots.
There is no way to "handle this really well".
Just because it's not blaringly obvious to anyone who sees me in "real life", doesn't mean I'm perfectly composed.
In other news, just to add to all of the drama, my sister suddenly has a long-distance boyfriend, who will be visiting in April, by which time my room needs to be cleaned up so my sister can sleep in there whilst her boyfriend sleeps in hers like a creeper.
My ex-best friend is talking to me again, and being her same needy, bitchy self, which is kind of getting annoying, and my current best friend hasn't talked to me in a few days which is also aggravating because she's amazing and I miss talking to her.
My mom had put down a $600 deposit on a condo, but as of last night, we will not be moving in today as we had planned, because she is meeting with a therapist for the first time today, and she wants to hear whether or not the therapist thinks it's a good idea for them to be away for a while.
But my mom is still considering this because she "wants what's best for the family." I'm sick and tired of "what's best for the family", and I'd thought she was to, but now she's contemplating sticking around, and I'd thought she wanted what was best for my sister, herself and I. I'd thought she wanted us to be free. I thought
I thought a lot of things, apparently.
But no. All that talk of divorce and moving out over the week-long road trip. My weekend of being her back up, her support, of keeping her upright. Apparently, none of that counts for anything when it's up against some stranger's recommendation of what she ought to do.
I don't want "what's best for the family". I don't want everything to be rainbows and lollipops. I don't want things to "get better".
I just want to leave.
I thought she did too?
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