No particular reason though, to be honest. Just that lovely teenage thing were little things mosh together into one big whopping Thing, and attack you relentlessly in the middle of the night when you get up for a glass of water. Self-anxiety and confusion and resignation to aspects of the future. Anticipation and nervous excitement twisting knots in my stomach as I smile and cry all at the same time.
(I think it's pretty safe to say my time of the month may be approaching)
I'm excited because of an event, scared and being paranoid about meeting up with certain people there. I'm worrying about money, I'm making a lengthy list of my father's flaws, I'm coming to terms with some inevitable aspects of my future- oh, and I'm also writing a 50k novel in a month, along with knitting about 14 miniature snails.
Yes, life has gotten kind of insane.
I haven't gone to sleep till at least 2AM for maybe a week? Mountain Dew, Ritz crackers and Life cereal has become my main source of energy, and I've been spending a stupid amount of time running through puddles with my dog. Earlier, I was lamenting the fact that I couldn't just sit in a nice, quiet room and be satisfied and unburdened for my entire life. Never have to eat, or sleep. Just sit in a chair and be satisfied and quiet. But then, I quickly realized, I'd only ever want to get out- maybe even a scenario akin to Tanpopo? But then once I realized how wrong the world was, I'd only ever want to go back to the room- yet another reminder to me of the fickleness of "perfection".
Gosh I need to sleep more.
I'm morphing into a feminist and a pathetic pseudo-philosopher and a sleep deprived maniac who keeps losing things like fountain pens and new cameras. The grim realities I've come to terms with, regarding my future, are depressing, of course. They make me hesitant, make me want to curl into a ball in the corner of the aforementioned room and just never come out. But, y'know, I'm a teenage girl so currently, a lot of things make me want to curl into a ball and never come out.
I've been reading Ray Bradbury quotes tonight, and this one in particular stuck out somehow, vague concepts waving about enticingly like a kid trying to be called on by the teacher.
See, that's what I've been telling myself to do, trying to do. Listen to my intellect and actually do something smart for once. And I don't know when- a past post or maybe a draft I never shared- but I said how there's too much life out there to explore, so why bother? It takes too much energy, it's hard and doesn't always work and sometimes ends in nothing but loss. And I know that's part of the appeal, of the risk; life is gambling, pure and simple. But I never really did get the hang of card games in the first place.
When I consider all the ways I could try and cram my time on here with life, I'm almost always reminded of an anime called "Un-Go". In the first episode, the character sees a story about how a group would take movies on actual rolls of films, along with projectors, to remote areas and show people their first ever movie. Offering people the time of their lives with movies- it sounded like a brilliant idea. He was enchanted, and set out on his own through Southern America.
But he only ended up with a broken projector and warped film that he turned into jewelry, selling on the side of a dirt road in the middle of a war.
Dreams are pretty things- stardust and diamond specks- but they're just that.
Dreams.
And while I'll never stop dreaming, I need to come to terms with the fact that dreams are dreams, and that as much as I wish and hope and pray on shooting stars, Peter Pan won't come take me away from all this, and I'll still need to grow up someday.
(Confession time: sometimes I come up with little ditties, of a sort, and hum them over and over while I try to fall asleep.
"I like to pretend that my troubles don't matter
As what's the use in being happy
When I'll be sad later?")
No comments:
Post a Comment