I'm Not Sorry There's Nothing to Save

It's sunny and clear outside, and barely a minute ago something ugly and greasy constricted in my chest as I started thinking about things.



I've been having a lovely weekend, and my thoughts have been entirely preoccupied by things of far more pleasant nature, so it's only now that I've really thought about the fact that it's Fathers Day, and what that means for my situation. My sister and I had to buy a card, reluctantly, but really I just want to flip him off a few hundred times. My father wasn't always so wrong, so corrupted and shitty a parent. He built me a princess bed, did stuff with my sister, endured our crazy ideas. But it changed over the years- he deteriorated into this monstrosity that lowers my faith in humanity as a whole. It's disappointing, to be mild. My father has fucked up the people who I care the most about, and he's probably screwed me up as well, but I'm not really qualified to identify my own mental and emotional issues.

My sister is going to have relationship issues for her entire life. God knows how my mother is going to cope once both her daughters are off at college. Just- I just wish things were different. But I don't know how they could be, how anything could change for the better, so, ah, moot point I suppose.

It's just people like my father, people like Blake and Jake and the nameless strangers with that look in their eyes- well, mostly my father? But my father has now personally ensured that whatever lingering fantasies of romantic relationships I might have entertained are now locked away in a box that converts them all into novel plots. And you know what? I have hope that once this divorce is all done, once there's nothing left to be said- I hope this blog will become a happy one. I hope any readers out there will finally start reading about more optimistic things than my never-ending cycle of self-pity and teenage melodrama.

'Cause you know what? Yes, my father has fucked me up. I'm not emotionally sound (I'm beginning to think nobody is, actually), but I actually don't care. I bought a ton of cool things that I love this weekend. There was a plot twist in a series that I love, I just discovered the joys of Pita chips (seriously, these things are stupidly good.) and I'm going to paint my nails at some point with my favorite blue-ish purple color. So honestly, who gives a damn about my father? I'm just enjoying myself today. So on that note, I truly, sincerely hope that you have as good a day as I do, regardless of when you read this.